I've been on vacation for 11 days . . . technically, two weeks. I think I took a couple extra days ahead of when we actually left for vacation. But that's allowed, right?
We had a great time. I love spending time with my husband. He is . . . amazing. I know everyone's husband is amazing, and I don't doubt you one bit. But my husband -- he KNOWS me. He LOVES me. And he is willing to drop everything to CARE for me. I have THE. BEST. HUSBAND.
So, off we went. We spent four days on an island. Then we spend seven days on a cruise where we went to five different ports of call and enjoyed each and every one of them for their different gifts. And while I was gone, I no longer had a hitch in my lungs. I was able to take a deep breath, relax from the inside out, and just totally let go of what life . . . what reality . . . is like here at home.
On the one hand, home is where you hang your hat, right? It's supposed to be where you are comfortable, relaxed and at ease. In my world -- home is where reality hits close to your heart. Where you, when away from home can let it go, but here, you have to put on all the armor it takes to function. You shed those things when you are on vacation. You can take a deep breath. You can relax. You can be who you are, 100%, and not worry about what people think. Those were gifts . . . little moments in time when it didn't matter that I wasn't the daughter I was supposed to be. I wasn't the mom. I WAS, however, a person. A person that gets the benefit of the doubt. A person that can just BE and not worry about anything. I was gifted with those moments of BEING.
Those moments of BEING came when we left port in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The ropes holding the (ginormous) boat were released and we were sent into the ocean. I know we were never adrift, but the feeling of NOT BEING TIED to anything was so freeing to me. I was able to be me. Me, whose actions were yet, unjudged. I liked that feeling. That feeling of being unjudged. I wish that I could hold onto that feeling forever. It didn't matter. You could be whoever you wanted . . . a model, a doctor, a nurse . . .whoever you WERE, it DIDN'T MATTER. And here, well, here, you got me at face value. At your first impression. But I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there for what YOU thought of me. I was there to let go. To let everything in my normal, reality world, just let go. Oh my goodness. How good that felt. I was there. For me. . . .
So anyway, coming home is hard. The closer you get to your own borders, the tighter that judgment feels. The more you wish you had done what other people think. The tighter that band around your lungs feels. That hitch returns. But before I left, God reminded me to tell Him that I trusted HIM. That in all things, I trusted HIM to be in control. Welcome home should mean: Welcome back to My hugs, My warmth and My care. I love you anyway. And I will take care of you. No matter what you bring to Me, I will take care of you.
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