TMOAGT

So I have gone back and forth debating what to write here.  There is a wealth of information to be shared, and I hesitate to do it because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  And that, in itself, needs to be analyzed.  My favorite FaceBook post to date has been, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."  I think that really summarizes the life of someone caught in the throes of co-dependency.  I know people throw that "buzzword" around a lot.  I have learned in the past couple of years, however, what that really means.  I have stepped up and protected those around me from the consequences of their poor decisions and taken the brunt of the effects upon myself.  For years, I have done that.  Yeah, really, I have the t-shirt.  I am not ashamed of it anymore, though.  I have learned one important truth -- I am not inherently bad, I just had Too Much Of A Good Thing.  I even had a friend give me a t-shirt that says that . . . TMOAGT . . . 

The really sad part is, when you change from being a codependent person to a codependent person learning how not to be codependent, people around you really don't like it.  You are no longer a set value, you have become a variable.  I am now, proudly, a variable.  I no longer subscribe to what people expect me to do.  I no longer take on their monkeys and babysit them.  It's not my problem.  And boy, has that made some people mad.  It has made them mad enough to yell at me.  It has made them mad enough to exclude me from some very valuable bonding and Godly moments in their lives.  How do you deal with that, you may ask?

It's hard.  But in the end, I find myself leaning more and more upon God.  I have this problem with God, though.  And I think He's trying hard to set me straight.  I can't see Him supplying all my needs.  So, he's taken my family away from me.  Some may think that's cause for rebellion.  I see it as a gift from Him.  I have learned that they don't fill that void that's left behind, He does.  Baby steps.  God is supposed to be the one who fulfills you.  All your needs, wants and desires - they are ultimately His to fulfill.  

Oh boy, I am learning that one.  I have given up something that is so important to me . . . I gave up my mom.  I also gave up my best friend.  They are one way, I am another.  I have to rely on God to get me through that.  I have to rely that He is guiding me, holding me and loving me to be the person He wants me to be.  And sometimes that means putting away things that we think are so important in our lives and picking up something that can do great things instead.  I don't know why God has shifted my priorities.  I only know that it hurts right now.  But He is capable of taking that pain and making it into something that will mold me into the person He wants me to be.  I don't like the molding part. . . but I know that I will love the end result.  

Please, God, don't stop molding me.  But I do ask that You make it not be nearly so painful as it has been.  Thank you so much for the support You have put in my life to help me get to where You need me to be.  The end result will be worth the pain, I have faith in You that You will get me where it doesn't hurt any more.