You are beautiful

Oh my gosh, people -- two in one week!  Can you stand it???

I am posting this from a book I have recently read.  I hope it helps you all as much as it helps me.  I have printed it out and plan to put it on my mirror in my bathroom.

You are beautiful.  You are a handcrafted treasure in the eyes of your God.  He loves first and foremost your inner beauty.  He is captivated by the ways you have sacrificed for your family.  He finds you breathtaking as you cook yet another meal, as you bandage a scrape, nurture a friend or take care of a sick husband or child.  Even when you are frustrated and not at your best, He delights in how you compose yourself, smile ruefully, and try to honor His ways.

Physically, He loves the way your smiles reaches up to your eyes, the way you laugh out loud when something strikes you as funny.  He adores the curve of your face, the way you dress up, and the way you dress down by donning your favorite pair of old jeans (or stay in your pajamas!)  He chuckles with pleasure when you wake up with “bed head,” and He can’t get enough of the beauty you expose when you are feeling playful.

You are His delight.  Read for yourself:

The king is enthralled by your beauty.  Psalm 45:11

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.   I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  Psalm 139:13-16

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11

How beautiful you are, my darling!  Oh, how beautiful!  Your eyes are doves! Song of Songs 1:15

…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning. Isaiah 61:3

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus.  Ephesians 2:10

Not only does God find you captivating, He is also able to take the hurt, the “ashes” of your dreams, and turn them into something beautiful as well.  He is good, and He is absolutely crazy about you.  Hold on to that, cling to His truth.  Especially when you feel overwhelmed by the voices and feelings that try to whisper something different.  You may think, well, it’s great that God thinks I’m beautiful, but I want my husband to find me attractive!  That makes total sense, so of course you do.  But know this, if you believe what God says about you, your sense of personal beauty won’t be tied up in your husband actions, it will be founded on the truth.  That, in itself, will give you freedom to smile, freedom to be confident and freedom to walk through any situation with your head held high.

Coming out on the other side

When I left off last time, I was in a pit of pain and sorrow.  I won't go into details, because those really aren't important.  What's important is what has happened since.  I know it's been a while since I posted last, but it's been an interesting journey.  I have wanted to tell you all where I am, but I just never quite found the words.  I pray that what I have to say now will make a difference in someone's attitude, but if it doesn't, that's okay.  Because I've seen where I was and I know where I am now, and I know that God is proud of me.  Heartbreak is devastating, no matter the circumstances.  It can stop you cold in your tracks or it can give you the energy needed to make changes.  Heartbreak can end your life as you knew it.  That's what happened to me.  Going merrily along only to get stuck in a pothole.  No fun.  

God, in His infinite wisdom, opened my eyes to what He wanted from me.  He wanted me to demonstrate His love, His forgiveness and His mercy.  In doing that, I turned someone who thought themselves unworthy back to Christ.  Back into the loving arms of the Heavenly Father who has held me up and poured His strength through me so I could be strong when it was needed.  God also poured out His mercy and love, again, flowing through me to show that He was always waiting for this person.  He showed me forgiveness and the gift it was to someone who thought they were unforgiveable.  He also showed me, in ways that only I understand, that my faith was not misplaced. 

God calls us, in all our relationships, to show Christlike behavior.  What does that look like to me?  Well, I am reminded that when Jesus was in the Garden praying that if possible, would the Father please not make him follow through; but in the end, Jesus said, "Your will, not mine."  I am pretty sure that if Jesus didn't have his Heavenly Father, he probably would have run straight from that Garden as fast as his sandals would carry him.  I know I would have.  I mean, in my own Garden, I wanted out . . . NOW!  But God held me tight, shaking and crying with me, He held me firm to what He knew needed to be done.  He encouraged me and gave me the power to follow through with His will, not mine.  In the end, my reward thus far has been beyond my wildest dreams.

I have a long road ahead of me.  I'm not there yet.  And I hope to keep working hard and honoring God.  I can't believe what He has done for me because I have been obedient and honorable.  I am so thankful that I don't have to do this trek alone.  I am thankful that He puts things in my path to show me what to do, things to read to improve my soul and my heart, people to give me encouragement and support when they don't even know they are doing that.  I have a loving and faithful God.  I am blessed beyond measure at the gifts He bestows on me, a sinful person certainly not deserving of any of them. 

Music

What do you do when you are faced with hurt?  Do you curl into a ball and cry your eyes out?  Do you immediately go on the defensive and strike out before you are hurt further?  Do you seek help from friends on how to go forward?  Some of the ways I used to deal with pain was all of the above.  Sometimes things happen in your life that throws all of your previous experiences out the window and you are left floundering.  Or maybe you realize that how you used to deal with things just doesn't cut it any more.  

Recently, when faced with a painful situation I actually did none of the above.  I was so completely out of my element in dealing with the situation that I had to seek other avenues of healing.  This time, I reached out to God.  I literally fell at His feet and held on tight.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how to behave.  I just didn't . . . know . . . anything.  I think God wants us to do that a lot.  Lately, I've found music seems to speak to my soul.  So many songs have been placed in my life that it seems that as I sing them, they are the prayers that I cannot say.  When I sing them, they are the words I can't speak on my own.  When I hear them, they are the feelings I am afraid to let out.   And when I listen to them, they are the promises God has made to get me through these situations.  When I pray these songs, God puts new feelings in my heart, His feelings that I need to extend to those around me.  I have prayed these songs so many times recently that I think I know them all by heart.  

One of my favorite songs right now is a song by Tenth Avenue North called Losing.  Here are the lyrics:

 I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong
Don't they know it's wrong
Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love or this is hate.
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love or this is hate.
We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart
We're rippin' arms over wars that don't need to be fought
Cause pride wont let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but it's just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop
Well truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[X2]
Oh Father won't you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

Another song that has spoken to me is also by Tenth Avenue North called Healing Begins:

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

And then, one more song, again, Tenth Avenue North, You are More:

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

I have spent a lot of time listening to these songs that God has put on my heart.  And I have found some very wonderful things happening.  I have learned that I am not alone.  That no matter what, God is with me.  I have learned that when I open my heart up and not harbor hatred, fear, anger or hurt, that God allows forgiveness to flow through me.  Forgiveness is such a gift from God.  It relieves your anxieties.  It humbles you.  It teaches and it softens.  Sometimes I've had to replay these songs very loud to drown out the hatred, fear, anger and hurt.  And, sometimes I've had to play them A LOT!  

Extending forgiveness when you've been hurt really opens the door to God's teaching.  I am humbled that He forgives me on a daily basis.  I am thankful that He has softened my heart and allowed to me to be open to receiving His forgiveness while I am extending forgiveness myself.  And I've learned that because I can forgive through Him, that I am modeling His forgiveness to someone else.  I am learning to be Christ-like.  That last song, You Are More, reminds me that who am I to not forgive when God has forgiven me?  Who am I to hold some hurt against someone when I hurt God every single day.  If I show and act forgiveness, then the person that has hurt me can see that God will also forgive them.  And what a gift that is.  To heal someone's heart simply by being Christ-like.  To open myself to loving that person anyway - in spite of hurting myself - means so much to them.  

This has been a hard lesson.  And one that I am sure I will have to learn many, many times over.  But I am thankful that God puts things like music in my life.  He is amazing, He is wonderful, He is loving and He is forgiving.  Above all, He is forgiving.  And He is holding me up and helping me daily to forgive, to love and to learn to live more fully in Him.  Thank God He is there.  I know I couldn't stand and do this on my own.

Where do I fit in now . . .

I know it's been a while since I've posted last.  Gosh, almost 3 months since my last posting.  Lots going on.  Moving things around my plate and eventually off my plate.  Took some time trying to forgive and forget.  Spent some much needed time with my best friend and husband. 

Ben is settled down in New Mexico.  Jake has finished his first year of college.  Dan and Jackee have settled into being homeowners.  I've kind of been wondering just where do I fit in now?  What is my role in my family now?  It's changed.  I find myself watching little boys around me and remembering when my boys were small.  When that was my day, my life and my world.  Sometimes I miss those days.  Sometimes I want a "do over".  But really, would I do anything different?  Only if I had the knowledge of what I know now.  And that knowledge was gained by doing things -- right or wrong.  I think grandchildren will be my "do over", as they have been for my parents and countless parents since the dawn of mankind.

Back to where I fit in.  I now get to watch my kids live their lives.  It's no longer my responsibility that they get everything done or done right.  How freeing, to have finally realized that.  I get to be my husband's girlfriend again.  I think my favorite part of that is I get to ditch the mommy clothes and put on the girlfriend clothes.  I get to dress for my husband.  That, in itself, is a learning experience.  I don't look like his girlfriend from 28 years ago.  I've got hips . . . a lot of hips . . . I might add.  (And, I won't be putting on those little tiny shorts that say PINK on them, either.  I would need mine to say PINKFUSCHIAMAGENTAPURPLE . . . just sayin') 

 So, I've taken up belly dancing.  Not all belly dancers are these little willowy creatures, you know.   And, I've learned, the more hips you have, the littler you have to shake them . . . because they keep on shaking.  In the Middle East, that's a good thing.  Here, not so much.  But, belly dancing has made me more comfortable in my own skin.  I am beginning to dress more like the girlfriend.  Plus, no boys to pull up the low cleavage on my shirts. . . there were times they made me put a sweater on because it was too low for them when they were younger.  Now, who cares!  

I get to take road trips and vacations with my husband and best friend.  I get to see things that go beyond the swimming pool and amusement parks.  Road trips become meandering drives, not marathons to the destination.  I think that's what my life is like now . . . a meandering drive, not a marathon.  I passed the finish line of the child rearing leg of the marathon and can now enjoy the journey a little bit more.  I like that.  And, I like learning my new role in this season of my life. 

New Adventures

I have three kids and a daughter-in-law.  Each one is so different from the other.  

My oldest, he's pretty awesome.  I look at him, sometimes, and I think, "In spite of me, in spite of the mistakes I made parenting you, you are a pretty awesome guy."  I believe love conquers a lot, maybe not everything, but a lot.  He's smart, money savvy, a good husband, and a great contributor to society.  Who knew??  He has lots of new adventures to look forward to: they now have a puppy.  If the puppy survives to adulthood, they can move on to children.  They plan lots of vacations and things they want to do, see and buy.  And they'll do it.  I have no doubt about it.  His wife, she's pretty special too.  Fits him to a "T", that's for sure.  She'll definitely give him a run for his money.  And she's cute as a button.  She likes tattoos, purple hair and pretty much is as geeky as he is.  I like her . . . a lot.  I can't wait to hear of their adventures.  


My middle son, he's amazing.  He has conquered a lot in his young life.  He is in the Army, and doing very well at it.  He's finishing up his schooling -- learning to disarm bombs -- and his new adventures are going to start in New Mexico.  He's very strong, both physically and mentally.  He's always been such a black and white kid.  I thought he'd make an excellent lawyer.  He could convince you that the sky really isn't blue, but a lovely shade a green.  And when you were finished with that conversation, you'd believe him.  He has a new girlfriend -- hooray.  She sent me a message one day thanking me for raising such a fine young man.  (I really have to give credit to his dad for that one as he sets a fine and high example for his sons to follow.)  I am happy he has a girlfriend.  It's been a long time coming for him.  I am happy that she is poised enough to send me that message.  She's in the Navy -- we'll see who crosses over to which branch, if they are meant to be together.


My youngest, he's finishing up the first year of his new adventure and will continue on the same path for a few more years yet.  He's a freshman in college and working towards becoming a teacher.  He comes home on some weekends.  He hangs out with us in the hot tub for hours.  He watches tv with us.  And he works with his dad.  He is a thoughtful, caring, loving son.  He also has a big heart.  I am so thankful that he is around for a few more years yet to help his dad on the farm.  But I am also anxious for him to finish up his schooling and get started on his great adventure of life.


My husband and I are also enjoying our first year of a new adventure -- empty nesting.  I think we like it.  We anticipated this for a long time.  I love my husband.  I even like him.  We do a lot of stuff together.  We get along great.  He is my best friend.  Some of the new adventures we are working on:  eating more healthy.  Trying to exercise together.  Reading (or, in his case, listening to) the same books and talking about them.  Planning vacations -- this is so fun!!  Although, I do feel a little guilty about not taking the youngest with us some . . . but only a little.


How fun it is to look forward to new adventures.  The anticipation, the eagerness and sometimes the anxiety.  I think I want to try and look at some of the old adventures with that same anticipation and eagerness.  Maybe it will breathe new life into the mundane . . . who knows??  I'll keep you posted!!

The Black Sheep

Today I am feeling the pain of being the black sheep of the family.  I think we've all taken our turn at that, right?  Sometimes deservedly, sometimes . . . not.  This would be one of those times that I don't feel as I've deserved this spot.  So what makes me feel this way, then?  I guess you'd need some history of our family on that one . . . 

I am the youngest by 7 and 8 years.  I learned a lot from my older brother and sister about what NOT to do.  Then, they were out of the house and it was just me.  I became a peace maker, I think.  I tried to do what was right.  I brought home (finally) a nice boy I met at church.  I got married.  Had three kids and lived on a farm.  My siblings didn't have it quite that easy, I don't think.  They kind of stumbled through life until very recently.  My brother married my best friend.  My sister passed away last October after battling lung cancer.  I've never really been close to either of my siblings.  But I've always been close to my parents.

This last year has brought several changes to my life.  My youngest graduated high school and started college.  My middle son went into the Army.  And my oldest son got married.  Big changes, huh?  In the middle of all of that, our church went through some very difficult times, which has trickled down into affecting my family.  We all used to go to church together.  My parents, my brother and sister in law and us.  When this difficult time with our church started, it ripped right down the middle of my family.  My brother and sister in law were on one side with my dad, my husband and I were on the other side with our church.  My mom has stayed in the middle, as she says.  We don't attend church together any more.  We don't even talk about church.  And I've even been referred to as a traitor because I side with my church, which has hurt me very deeply.

I feel that because I have taken a stand, I am on the outside of my family looking in.  I've never been here before.  And it's really not a fun place to be, honestly.  My mom was so worried about my sister's death tearing apart our family.  I think she's worried about the wrong thing.  She says she won't let it happen, but it has.  I don't think my dad even wants to talk to me.  I am pretty sure that my brother thinks I'm nothing but a 12 year old who doesn't know what's going on.  And I don't believe that I have the respect of either of them.  

It would be so easy for me to cave in.  But I've always said that I'm the non-conformist of the group, so I won't.  I believe that I am where God wants me to be.  No matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, I believe that God wants me right where I am.  Thankfully, He has given me some wonderful boys as sons who support me.  He has given me the world's best husband who holds me up and keeps me grounded and is willing to go to any length to protect me.  And He has given me some pretty amazing friends who have also stepped up to support me.  I know I am not the black sheep in God's family.  And thank God for that!

Lent

So many people talk about what to give up for Lent.  My religion doesn't require that we give up anything for Lent, but one year I gave up worrying.  A lot of folks laughed about it until I told them that when I went to worry, I would talk to God, which really was the whole purpose of giving something up for Lent -- gaining a closer relationship with God.  It was probably one of the best things I had done.

This Lent Season comes around and I see a lot of posts on Facebook about giving up sweets, coffee, chocolate . . . I could give up exercise and it wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit.  But that's not what it's all about.  On my way to my latest exercise hobby - belly dancing (that's really a whole new post, isn't it??) I pass by a church that has this sign out front:

Cherish your yesterdays.
Dream your tomorrows.
Live your todays.

This Sunday, our Pastor preached on Philippians 3:114-14:

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I like that.  A lot.  I am not one to necessarily dwell on the past, but it's there.  All the good, bad and ugly.  I try to tell my kids, no regrets.  Your past is part of who you are.  It's what's molded you and formed you.  You are going to make mistakes.  You are going to goof up.  Sometimes, really big.  I've done really big goofs and mistakes.  Really big.  And sometimes, they rear their ugly heads and haunt me.  And I have to remember -- no regrets.  I am who I am because of the decisions I've made, mistakes and successes both.  Both have shaped me.  Do I like myself now?  In spite of all those mistakes?  Yeah, pretty much.  (I think that's an age thing, too, though).  Would I change what has happened in my past?  Hmm - maybe, but probably not.  I wouldn't be WHO I am today without what I did yesterday.  If I didn't like myself, I suppose that I would have to rethink this.  But I love deep, I am sensitive to issues where others may not be, I hurt when things cut too close to home and I get past hiccups and bumps in the road.   All because of what I've experienced.

This year for Lent, I think I will give up regrets.  I can't change the way things were, or what I've done in the past.  I can only fix what is now and what is to come.  And if I want to be a certain way in the future, I better live my todays by making better decisions, thoughtful decisions.  No regrets.  

By myself

I have been home, by myself, for the last four days.  There's a first time for everything.  Usually when Ken's gone, I've had the boys around.  Even when they were smaller, I always felt safe with them around.  This time it was just me.  I wanted to see if I could do it.  Living out here in the country, it's pretty quiet.  And secluded.  I made sure all the doors were locked each night.  And during the day for that matter.  Ken made sure that I could operate the gun proficiently enough to shoot in the vicinity of someone who was breaking in, should that happen.  It didn't.  And I survived.  He's on his way home now.  Should even be in Oregon, maybe . . . or just south of the border.  

I have learned a few things about myself while he's been gone; which is really what I wanted to experience.  I have learned that it's lonely without my best friend by my side.  I have learned it's cold in bed without him (even though the kitty tried valiantly to take his place).  I have learned that I can only watch so much Discover ID channel.  I have learned I sleep a lot more when there is no one to talk to or a reason to get up for.  I have learned that simply being quiet is different when there is someone to be quiet with.

Life is easier when there is someone to share it with.  I have a bit more respect for those who have lost their soulmate, their best friend.  It's a whole new way of life.  I pray that I don't have to figure it out any too soon!

A Duck Family Reunion

So, I like wildlife.  And we live out in the country, so I get to see a fair amount of the usual suspects - deer, birds, raccoons, possums, the occasional skunk, nutria, coyotes, and even spotted a rare (in these parts) cougar, several years ago when the boys were small.

We have a group of deer (I suppose I should call it a herd) that roam around the fields eating the yummy new shoots of whatever's been planted.  A couple of years ago we had a massive acorn season.  There were tons, literally TONS of acorns all around us.  On the driveway, the cars crush them open and the deer would actually come that close to the house to eat the acorns.  It was awesome.  We feed the birds and laugh as the squirrel hangs upside down on the deck eating the suet.

Ken and I have lived out here for as long as we've been married - 28 years this coming November.  It's been great.  It's quiet.  Peaceful.  And for the most part, fairly secluded unless you have binoculars and want to watch us from the road.  Since we've lived here, along our driveway runs a creek.  Every year we have ducks on the creek.  Now, I don't know if they are the same ones -- I am assuming not, since I don't think I've heard of ducks living 28 years before, but every year they come back in late winter/early spring.  Usually a pair or two or three.  They always fly up out of the creek when we drive by early in the season, but by mid-spring, they just paddle by because they are used to us driving by.  And when one of us spots the ducks for the season, we can't wait to share that information with the other one.

Today was cool beyond cool.  As I drove down the driveway to go work out, out flew not just one or two pair, or even three or four pair . . . today we had 26 ducks on the creek.  26!  I had to stop the car and count them twice.  I know they lay their eggs somewhere along the creek, or perhaps down more towards the pond where the creek ends, but we have never, EVER had that many at once on the creek.  I figure all the ducklings must have come home to roost this year.

I felt bad that I interrupted the Duck Family Reunion.  But honestly -- not really.  It was an awesome start to my day.  The ducks are back.  Spring is just around the corner!!

Some days

Ever notice how some days are just much more difficult than others?  I mean, from the moment you get out of bed, you pretty much know how your day is going.  Do you land on your feet first thing, or did you step on a dog?  Do you brush your hair, or have to find the brush on the floor after dropping it.  And, if you did drop your brush, did you notice that it just didn't fall conveniently at your feet, but it fell like a hundred yards away . . . or under something?  Then, finding your socks -- where did that favorite pair go?  Honestly, I got two pair just so I'd be lucky enough to find one pair when I really needed them.  So, some days are a struggle.  Now, I believe in God.  I don't always start my day talking to the Big Guy -- if I did, my days would probably be much smoother.  But, no, I prefer to do things the difficult way.  Today, I probably should have talked to God.

My sister died 3 months ago from lung cancer.  Yes, she was a smoker.  But, other than that, I always thought she was the healthiest one of all of us.  She watched what she ate (to the point of being anal about it).  She exercised.  She went to the doctor.  But it didn't matter.  Cancer got her like it gets so many other people in so many other families.  Today I pulled out the bag with the last of the thank you notes I was supposed to have written months ago.  I just couldn't bring myself to open the bag before today.  So, I did finish up the last of the thank you notes.  And the tears started.  And they have lurked just below the surface all day long.  I wrote a little in the book that we got about her life and her memorial.  But I couldn't finish it.  Not today.

I got together with my mom and my sister-in-law today.  We went quilt shopping.  For a while I was able to hold those tears at bay.  (I mean, retail therapy does have it's moments.)  Listening to my mom and my SIL talk kind of made it easier to ignore the sadness.  But since I've been home, there's not much to hear around here.  Ken had choir practice.  So while he was gone, I was in my "happy place".  That's what I call my sewing room.  There I can kind of put life away.  I can think about the project at hand.  That project involved putting together some pinwheels for a friend's wedding quilt.  Then I started cutting out my husband's sister's birthday present -- four placemats with shamrocks on them (her birthday is in March).  

I still haven't been able to shake the tears.  Shake the sad feeling deep in my heart.  I do miss my sister.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that we weren't close.  It's not fair that she's gone and left two kids behind.  It's not fair that my parents had to bury their daughter.  But most of all, it's just not fair that I don't have a sister anymore.  I don't have someone that is supposed to love me anyway.  And I don't have the chance to make it right.  I'll never have the chance to have a close sister.  I'll never have a chance to make it work like it's supposed to.  That hurts.  

I know that I should be thankful for what I do have.  But some days, well, some days I just need to dwell on what I don't have, what wasn't there, and what never will be there.

Tomorrow is another day.  I hope that I don't step on the dog, drop the brush and I do hope, beyond all hope, that I find that favorite pair of socks that will just make everything all right again.


God, thank you for another day.  Thank you for letting me feel these sad things.  Please, take them away from me tomorrow.  One day is all I can handle at once.  Amen.

Life is full

Life is full of . . . everything.  Tragedies happen in the blink of an eye.  We lose children.  We lose parents.  We lose spouses.  We lose siblings.  We lose friends.  It is all part of life.  Tragic, yes.  Insurmountable?  I don't think so.

Life is full of . . . joy.  The simple things, like going to the movies with your husband.  Playing games with your kids.  Enjoying some wonderful music.  A dinner out with friends.  Sewing in your sewing room.  

Life is also full of . . . choices.  I can choose to be ruled by the terrible tragedies that accompany one living life to the fullest, or I can choose to ignore them and live only in the moment.  There has to be some sort of balance in the middle.  You have to temper your sadness with joy.  In that way we find true happiness.  The lows are low, but they make the highs even better.

Reality

The last couple of days have been very difficult.  Being a Soldier's mom, I find the loss of any Soldier to be tough.  For some reason, the latest casualty has been especially difficult.  I did not know the Soldier.  I did not know the Soldier's mom.  But I find that my heart aches terribly at their loss.  I have followed her journey through another friend.  Today she flew to Delaware to retrieve her son's casket.  They will fly to Arlington, Texas for his burial service next week.  Her other two sons are also Marines, as is the deceased Soldier.  I messaged her today, letting her know that I am praying for her and her family.  That, although I do not know her, as moms of Soldiers we share a bond.  I told her that her Soldier did not hate what was in front of him, but loved what was behind him.  Just as I know my Soldier does.  I told her that my Soldier will stand and continue the job that her Soldier started.  

It's hard to think of my Soldier chomping at the bit to join his comrades in arms on the front lines.  I am thankful that his training has kept him stateside for as long as it has.  But I do know that my time of his being safe is coming to an end.  I pray that he remains safe.  That he doesn't come under fire.  That he returns home at the end of his tour in one piece, safe and sound.  The practical, wise side of me knows that I am living in a fantasyland.  War and the ravages of war do not leave anyone untouched.  And that just scares me to no end.  I don't want to make the ultimate sacrifice of my Soldier never coming home.  Some days I so wish for the little boy back.

God, be with other moms of Soldiers.  Although we put on a brave face for the world to see, our hearts quake with fear and anxiety.  Our minds long to go back to those days of having our little Soldiers on our laps and safe in our arms.  Be with them, Lord.  For if they are as scared as I am, only You can bring peace to our hearts.

Hello

So, I thought I would try this -- blogging.  Years ago, this would not have even been in the dictionary.  I should have known, though.  My oldest son, the computer geek of the family, wanted to play "puter" from the early age of 3.  In those days we had DOS and a hard drive all of 85 mb of disk space.  And he played Putt Putt and KidPix.  Now he's a Network Technician, bringing in close to $50 grand a year.  He's 23.  Just got married.  Just bought a house.  I think the early investment paid off, don't you?  

I have a middle son who plays with bombs and robots.  He's in the Army.  Very good at what he does.  Well, he better be, anyway . . . he gets no second chances.


The youngest one is a college student.  He plans to be a teacher.  I hope they teach spelling in college.  Really, he's a great kid . . .  They all are.   


I do have a husband.  He is the father of my three boys.  He's a farmer.  We grew boys.  Dogs.  And a cat.  We also really grow crops.  No other animals, though, beyond the kids, dogs and cat.  Thank goodness.

I love to quilt.  Hence, the title of my Blog - From a Needle's Perspective.  From my Bernina in my sewing room, my needle looks out the window to a wonderful eastern view.  There are trees shading the window.  There is a field of grass beyond the fenced yard.  Really, there is no yard.  I mean, think about it.  Does the mechanic's car run?  Does the cobbler's children have shoes?  Does the grass farmer have a yard?  No.  No.  And . . . no.  But the view is nice, nonetheless.  Just look beyond the fence.


The other side of the needle sees a very organized sewing room.  There's a tv on the wall above the ironing board.  I like to watch Discovery ID.  All the crime shows you can want, 24 hours straight.