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Don't you just love the folks who don't know?  I mean, the ones who THINK they know, but they really have no idea??  The ones who say, "You should . . ."  "You need to . . . "  I've been one of those folks.  I've said that countless times.  And tonight I am here to tell you that I'm going to try my darnedest to not be that person any more.  I don't have an idea.  I have no earthly idea the places you've walked in your shoes.  I don't know the ups, the downs, the in betweens, the hopes, the fears . . . I know nothing.  

I've had a few folks give me some of that timeworn, well meaning advice.  "If only you would . . . "  Don't you know that I have?  Many times??  "You should . . . " Yeah, done that, too.  "You need to . . . " All right already!!  I've got the T-SHIRT!!  

I mean, seriously.  Do you really think that I would stagnate in this pond and languish because I am too stubborn to do what is necessary to "make things right?"  I found a post on Facebook today that talked about this -- in a roundabout sort of way, I guess.  It talked about removing toxic people from your life.  It said:

"You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life.  It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance - you do't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small.  It's one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change.  But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and "continues" to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go."  Daniell Koepke

My response to that post was this:  "It is hard when that person is a relative.  And the guilt I have is because I shared my feelings and they were not validated in any way; rather, it was a laundry list of complaints.  So that last line in the post is really hard for me because the feelings and boundaries are subjective and because of the way I was treated, I find it hard to separate that my feelings have validation and are therefore worthwhile boundaries."

My friend, who I only know on Facebook, posted -- I really understand . . . that's amazing to me.  The people who are supposed to know me; who are supposed to love me unconditionally don't get it; yet someone I only know on the internet, gets it.  

I guess what I am trying to say is this -- give people credit.  They feel differently than you do.  That's what makes the world go round, you know?  How boring would it be if we were all exactly the same???  Love people where they are.  Don't expect them to rise (or sink) to your level. Just love them.  That's all you want.  And that's really all they want.  Accept them for who they are.  And rejoice in that!!  Relish that difference.  It's the spice of life, the excitement and wonder of love and friendships . . . 

It's just a walk . . .

This past year marks a number of walks I have completed -- both officially and unofficially.  I started walking early in the Summer of 2013 as a way of burning off excess stress and also as a means of exercise.  I still HATE exercising, but I can walk.  My regular walks are short ones -- 3 - 5 miles, but mostly just 3 miles.  It's something I can get in and get out in under an hour.  Then I had a friend who encouraged me to walk a 10K.  A 10K!!  That's SIX miles. . . well 6.2 miles, to be exact.  It's a family walk in conjunction with the Portland Marathon.  So all last summer I trained to walk that.  By the time the event came, I had garnered the support of not just the one friend who invited me to walk, but we had a group of five that did that 10K.  It was a long walk and certainly no part of it was what I had expected.  I was pleasantly surprised that it went as fast as it did.  Really the three best things about that walk were the TWO gummy bear stations (I got a whole little cup FULL of red gummy bears, my FAVORITE!!) and the time we stopped in the middle of the Broadway Bridge and took a photo of the five of us.  It was a great accomplishment to share with some wonderful girl friends.

Then my friend got this bright idea and asked if I wanted to start my Summer 2014 off right and walk a half marathon with her . . .yep, THIRTEEN MILES!!  And I tentatively said I would.  She promised she would be with me every step of the way.  All the while I am thinking what have I gotten myself into?  She so kindly sent me a training schedule that started out with 20 minute strolls.  I've got this.  I can STROLL.  Then you move up to easy walking and then brisk walking.  No problem!  I conveniently neglected to notice the distances of these strolls, easy and brisk walking.  You gradually ramp up to 11 miles over the course of 13 weeks.  Oh my goodness!  What the hell was I thinking??  ELEVEN MILES???  Okay.  So I started pounding the pavement.  Miles after mile.  And before I knew it, it was Half Marathon time.  My friend, true to her word, walked beside me the entire way.  She even encouraged me to step up my pace after the first couple of miles, which we did and maintained over the entire course.  Her husband was there at the finish line waiting for us with the most delicious spread of food I had ever eaten.  That chocolate milk was so good and the chicken and the potato salad and the mimosas!  I have to say, that one mimosa hit me so hard I was really glad he was driving us home.

To end my summer of 2014, I walked the Portland Marathon 10K again.  This time, though, I signed up to walk by myself.  I've got this -- it's just a little 6 mile walk -- it's all relative at this point.  I also signed up to raise money for a great organization called Pure Life Alliance; they help restore families and marriages after the pain of sexual impurity.  People I know sponsored me for almost $1000.  That's pretty cool.  That can help as many as 3 couples get much needed support for an entire year!   But anyway, back to my story -- I signed up to walk by myself because many of my friends had conflicts and couldn't join me this year.  As the walk drew closer, I began to get a little apprehensive about doing this by myself.  The day of the walk came and the texts began pouring in as I rode the train to downtown Portland.  "Stay Strong", "You've got this", "Praying for you".  They kept coming as I started the walk.  That first mile was sooo hard.  No one to talk to, just listening to my music.  Another text came in -- "You can do this.  You are a strong woman."  And another, "I am so proud of you!"  And another, "Whoo hoo!!"  By the end of the second mile, I was feeling better.  I thanked God that I had those encouraging words to walk to and settled down with my favorite Christian music and the praises I sang in my head to Him while I walked.  Just before the third mile, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  And along came a gal I had met just the night before at a dinner sponsored by the Pure Life Alliance folks.  She walks much faster than I do, that's for sure!  But she slowed down just a bit and fell into step beside me.  I pulled out my ear buds, turned off my music and for the next 3 and a half miles, I got to know her a little better and she got to know me, too.  Before I knew it, we were rounding the street corner and entering the last half mile.  We finished together and gave each other a hug.  I don't know if I'll ever see her again.  But I will pray that God continues to bless her life and her ministry.

I've gotten some really great benefits out of walking.  I no longer take anti-depressants.  I can walk circles around some people.  I don't get tired walking up and down the stairs of my house.  I get to enjoy some quality time with God just singing along with some of my favorite songs.  I get to enjoy the beautiful outdoors that we have here in Oregon.  And I think one of the biggest things I've learned is this -- walking is, really, a solitary sport.  There's rarely a team event.  Walking is kind of like life sometimes.  You live your own life.  You walk your own life.  By yourself.  And when the walking gets hard, you lean on God a lot more than you normally would.  And He provides someone to step up beside and fall into pace with you to help you to the end of that hard time.

It may be just a walk, but I don't have to do it alone.  He will always provide for me what I need at just the very moment in time that I need it.

TMOAGT

So I have gone back and forth debating what to write here.  There is a wealth of information to be shared, and I hesitate to do it because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  And that, in itself, needs to be analyzed.  My favorite FaceBook post to date has been, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."  I think that really summarizes the life of someone caught in the throes of co-dependency.  I know people throw that "buzzword" around a lot.  I have learned in the past couple of years, however, what that really means.  I have stepped up and protected those around me from the consequences of their poor decisions and taken the brunt of the effects upon myself.  For years, I have done that.  Yeah, really, I have the t-shirt.  I am not ashamed of it anymore, though.  I have learned one important truth -- I am not inherently bad, I just had Too Much Of A Good Thing.  I even had a friend give me a t-shirt that says that . . . TMOAGT . . . 

The really sad part is, when you change from being a codependent person to a codependent person learning how not to be codependent, people around you really don't like it.  You are no longer a set value, you have become a variable.  I am now, proudly, a variable.  I no longer subscribe to what people expect me to do.  I no longer take on their monkeys and babysit them.  It's not my problem.  And boy, has that made some people mad.  It has made them mad enough to yell at me.  It has made them mad enough to exclude me from some very valuable bonding and Godly moments in their lives.  How do you deal with that, you may ask?

It's hard.  But in the end, I find myself leaning more and more upon God.  I have this problem with God, though.  And I think He's trying hard to set me straight.  I can't see Him supplying all my needs.  So, he's taken my family away from me.  Some may think that's cause for rebellion.  I see it as a gift from Him.  I have learned that they don't fill that void that's left behind, He does.  Baby steps.  God is supposed to be the one who fulfills you.  All your needs, wants and desires - they are ultimately His to fulfill.  

Oh boy, I am learning that one.  I have given up something that is so important to me . . . I gave up my mom.  I also gave up my best friend.  They are one way, I am another.  I have to rely on God to get me through that.  I have to rely that He is guiding me, holding me and loving me to be the person He wants me to be.  And sometimes that means putting away things that we think are so important in our lives and picking up something that can do great things instead.  I don't know why God has shifted my priorities.  I only know that it hurts right now.  But He is capable of taking that pain and making it into something that will mold me into the person He wants me to be.  I don't like the molding part. . . but I know that I will love the end result.  

Please, God, don't stop molding me.  But I do ask that You make it not be nearly so painful as it has been.  Thank you so much for the support You have put in my life to help me get to where You need me to be.  The end result will be worth the pain, I have faith in You that You will get me where it doesn't hurt any more.

Who Am I?

I have spent the last month or so wording just what I want to say on this blog.  I have been through hell and back in the last 7 months, so it should be a doozy, right?  Mostly, I want to let those of you who have followed to know just where I've been and where I am today.

Today, I know that I am a daughter of the King.  Yeah, that's a big one.  I know I am loved.  I know that I am worthy.  And I am humbled that because of me, Jesus died on the Cross to tell me that He loves me.  Loves ME!!  That's pretty hard to take, quite honestly.  I certainly don't feel worthy of that, but, given that it's a gift -- I'll take it.  I know I haven't earned it, but I'll take it.  Because that, THAT, is what I hold on to.  Knowing that a King loved ME enough to DIE for me.  That's humbling, loving and so perfect that how could I refuse it??

I know that I am a useful, productive human being.

I know that I am a great WIFE -- a supporter, an encourager, and a lover of someone who wakes up in the morning because I am HIS wife -- because I love HIM and because he wants to get up in the morning and see what HE can do for ME today.  I am so blessed to be HIS wife!!

I know that I am a pretty awesome MOM.  My kids will all roll their eyes and shake their heads, but at the end of the day - they love ME!!  That makes me smile - in spite of all the world throws at me.

I know that I could be a GREAT daughter -- if I was given the chance.  Things have happened to prevent that, but in my heart of hearts, I know that God has shown through my imperfect human parts to make that perfectly clear, if they were looking.

I am a GREAT friend.  I try to be there for them and do what needs to be done.

All in all, God has given me many gifts and blessings.  Somedays it is so hard to see beyond what the evil one puts in my path and demands that I focus on . . . but once I can get passed that, God is faithful and just.  He is there to show me and to give me what I so desperately needed.  

Again, I am a Daughter of the King.  And I am striving every day to be Who and What He demands of me.  Am I perfect?  Hahaha, not by a long shot.  But I am forgiven and I am given the opportunity to strive towards what He wants me to be!!  

God Bless Who YOU Are today!!