It's been a while since I've posted. A lot has happened since September of 2013. A lot. Starting in June I've had some life changing experiences that have, on the one hand, hardened my heart and on the other, has allowed God to do a mighty work in my life. There are blessings that have been heaped upon one another, and those are what I am going to focus on.
I have a husband who has stepped up and relieved what could have been a huge burden in my life. I have a God who gave me that husband, gave him the strength to stand beside me and take up what I cannot handle on my own and, in His own way, put other people to stand there beside me and support me -- people I didn't even know existed 16 months ago. To be able to look back and see God's hand in my life, putting things into place that I had no idea needed to be placed there . . . that's some awesome stuff right there.
I have friends who have stepped up their encouragement and support of me. New friends whom I met a few months ago. I have a support group of some wonderful women in a couple of Bible studies in which I am privileged to participate -- Godly women who can help encourage and support my walk with God. And I have some old friends who are still there beside me when I need them.
October brought some very interesting changes and additions to my life. My sister's son, Mario, has come to stay with us. (My sister passed away back in October of 2011.) He's 14 -- a few years (okay, SEVEN) years younger than my youngest son. I thought I was done with teenagers. I wouldn't trade the last two months for anything. He's brought laughter and a sense of "the world" into our lives. It's no longer just Ken and I. It's Ken and me and Mario . . . and Jake. Yeah, Jake didn't return to school this past Fall as he's pursuing a program in Diesel Mechanics and can take that locally while still living here at home -- lucky us. So -- did you do the math? Ken and I went from an empty nest to a suddenly full one again . . . (shaking my head and wondering, "just how did THAT happen?)
Christmastime is arriving as fast as it usually comes . . . ready or not. The changes in our house are slight -- Mario should be returning home to his dad by the 20th -- Jake starts school in January -- and Dan will be home to visit. (Wait -- did I miss something? Where is that EMPTY nest??) Things with the life changing events eluded to above haven't changed, but instead, have escalated. And I am learning to deal with stress without medication. Since having lost about 50 lbs, I have been off Prozac and learning to deal with life as it comes. Not easy. There are many days I want to bury myself in the nearest stack of pillows and blankies and just not come out. That doesn't get to happen. The alternative has been to embrace what pain these life changes have brought and to learn to move through them and passed them. I think I'm winning. Most days . . .
Next week should find things leveling out. I've been able to do some shopping and get some wrapping done. But I have to admit, I have an awesome husband (yeah, remember, I spoke of him way earlier in this blog) and he is taking me away over New Year's and again a couple of weeks later. When we get back, we'll be refreshed and renewed.
Just what blessings have been lurking in the shadows? Music -- that's an awesome, wonderful, stress relieving medium I am thankful to have discovered. New friends and old have come to light. God has made Himself very much visible and alive in my life -- and I am so grateful to not be alone in the mess that is threatening to suck me in . . .
I'm leaving it at this for right now. I'll try to revisit in January and see just what direction my life has taken and how I've dealt with it. One thing I know for sure -- I am not alone. God is with me. He has given me people in my life to help me through -- my husband, my friends and family that has stepped up to give me support when I've needed it most. I am blessed . . .
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
Reflections
So . . . it's almost September, can you believe it? I mean, where has the year gone? I remember when my boys were little and the last half of August meant school shopping -- new clothes, new shoes, new backpacks and all the new things to pack in that backpack. One of my favorite smells to this day is that of a brand new box of Crayola Crayons. No other crayon smells as good, right? September always makes me reflect on the past year. Even more than New Year's, I would spend those first couple of days when the kids went back to school thinking about how they'd grown over the summer, compared to what they started out like the previous September. What new adventures were going to await them in school? What new trials and frustrations would this school year bring them? What successes were they going to experience?
This is my third September without kids in school. Our oldest has been out of school for many years now and is a success in his chosen field. He no longer even lives in the same state as we do, since his job moved him to Nevada. Our middle son has lived in many states now since becoming a Soldier in the U.S. Army. The youngest one, who lives at home currently, is changing directions and changing schools. He'll buy his own school supplies this year (Diesel mechanic tools) and they aren't going to fit in a backpack anymore.
Even though there aren't kids getting on the bus or getting in their cars and driving off for long days at school, I still find myself reflecting on the past year. For me it's been a year of intense personal struggle and immense personal growth. It's a painful progress all around, as any time of growth normally is. 1 John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I have learned that in every instance in the Bible where we are told that there will be trouble, God immediately follows it up with a promise that we are not alone. As I worked to protect my marriage and learn how to be a better wife, God was there with me. He showed me many books to read. He opened my ears to wonderful worship songs that helped me pray. He gave me a personal support system of Godly women to whom I could look up to and call whenever I needed tangible evidence of His love. I also learned a lot from looking at His word . . . I know, me? Reading the Bible for something other than a Bible Study??
Romans 5:2-5 says, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." So, wow, that's a mouthful. But what that tells me is that no matter what, no matter what I've done, I still stand in the grace of Jesus Christ. That all that I do, with God's help and guidance, will give Him the glory. I have learned that whatever I am going through in my life, good, bad or ugly, that I should give thanks for it. I have learned that when I do that, my heart is opened up to receive the lessons and blessings of whatever I am going through. I have learned that struggles in my life point me right to God and when I fall at His feet, He gathers me up and comforts me and gives me hope that it will end. And when it does, I've come a long ways in maturing in my faith. I have learned not to rush through these struggles, not to put my head in the sand or ignore the pain. Through all of those things, God is there with me. And why would you want to rush through that?
Philippians 4:4-13 -- which is a really long passage, kind of gives you a To Do list of going through struggles and trials and coming out on the other side. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS! Not just in good times, but in bad, too. Do not be anxious, but in everything, pray with thanksgiving, presenting your needs to God. Notice it is "needs", not answers . . . (but that is another blog post, I think). The peace of God will guard your hearts and minds. It goes on to talk about thinking of noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy things. When those tough times become so overwhelming, think about those things, whether you think of them in terms of the Glory of God or if you need to think about them in terms of the gifts and qualities God has given you -- either way, your soul will feel lighter and you will feel a bit stronger. And again, God's peace will be with you. Lastly, it tells you to rejoice in every situation. Be content in every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether rich or poor. And instead of the promise of peace, this time you get the promise of strength. Powerful, powerful passage for me this year.
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Uh huh, more joy about trials and tribulations. I think I learned that joy can come in trials because I've reached out to God, who can guide me and comfort me when I'm in need. And when I've come through that particular trial, I can look back and see that God was with me. His mighty hand was on me, protecting and guiding me and reassuring me that I am not alone.
The last verse that has been with me all year is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you." This lets me know that all that I am going through, God already knew about. And He allows things to happen that will make me a better person, especially when I reach out to Him.
I've been blessed to learn to rely on God more. I've been blessed to learn about codependency and how not to be that way. I've been blessed to learn about grace, mercy and forgiveness. Although it's been a tough year, I am thankful to have been so very blessed and to have grown in my faith.
This is my third September without kids in school. Our oldest has been out of school for many years now and is a success in his chosen field. He no longer even lives in the same state as we do, since his job moved him to Nevada. Our middle son has lived in many states now since becoming a Soldier in the U.S. Army. The youngest one, who lives at home currently, is changing directions and changing schools. He'll buy his own school supplies this year (Diesel mechanic tools) and they aren't going to fit in a backpack anymore.
Even though there aren't kids getting on the bus or getting in their cars and driving off for long days at school, I still find myself reflecting on the past year. For me it's been a year of intense personal struggle and immense personal growth. It's a painful progress all around, as any time of growth normally is. 1 John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I have learned that in every instance in the Bible where we are told that there will be trouble, God immediately follows it up with a promise that we are not alone. As I worked to protect my marriage and learn how to be a better wife, God was there with me. He showed me many books to read. He opened my ears to wonderful worship songs that helped me pray. He gave me a personal support system of Godly women to whom I could look up to and call whenever I needed tangible evidence of His love. I also learned a lot from looking at His word . . . I know, me? Reading the Bible for something other than a Bible Study??
Romans 5:2-5 says, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." So, wow, that's a mouthful. But what that tells me is that no matter what, no matter what I've done, I still stand in the grace of Jesus Christ. That all that I do, with God's help and guidance, will give Him the glory. I have learned that whatever I am going through in my life, good, bad or ugly, that I should give thanks for it. I have learned that when I do that, my heart is opened up to receive the lessons and blessings of whatever I am going through. I have learned that struggles in my life point me right to God and when I fall at His feet, He gathers me up and comforts me and gives me hope that it will end. And when it does, I've come a long ways in maturing in my faith. I have learned not to rush through these struggles, not to put my head in the sand or ignore the pain. Through all of those things, God is there with me. And why would you want to rush through that?
Philippians 4:4-13 -- which is a really long passage, kind of gives you a To Do list of going through struggles and trials and coming out on the other side. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS! Not just in good times, but in bad, too. Do not be anxious, but in everything, pray with thanksgiving, presenting your needs to God. Notice it is "needs", not answers . . . (but that is another blog post, I think). The peace of God will guard your hearts and minds. It goes on to talk about thinking of noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy things. When those tough times become so overwhelming, think about those things, whether you think of them in terms of the Glory of God or if you need to think about them in terms of the gifts and qualities God has given you -- either way, your soul will feel lighter and you will feel a bit stronger. And again, God's peace will be with you. Lastly, it tells you to rejoice in every situation. Be content in every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether rich or poor. And instead of the promise of peace, this time you get the promise of strength. Powerful, powerful passage for me this year.
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Uh huh, more joy about trials and tribulations. I think I learned that joy can come in trials because I've reached out to God, who can guide me and comfort me when I'm in need. And when I've come through that particular trial, I can look back and see that God was with me. His mighty hand was on me, protecting and guiding me and reassuring me that I am not alone.
The last verse that has been with me all year is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you." This lets me know that all that I am going through, God already knew about. And He allows things to happen that will make me a better person, especially when I reach out to Him.
I've been blessed to learn to rely on God more. I've been blessed to learn about codependency and how not to be that way. I've been blessed to learn about grace, mercy and forgiveness. Although it's been a tough year, I am thankful to have been so very blessed and to have grown in my faith.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Change
Now, isn't that a scary perspective?
I think so. Which is why I approach change very warily. I am a Lutheran, through and through. And honestly, we don't like change. Either from within or in our circumstances. But it happens, day to day, right?
I am looking at some changes. Scary ones and those that aren't so scary. The easy ones -- change in diet and exercise, for example, those aren't so bad. We can accommodate those on a day to day basis. I have been learning to eat within the boundaries of the energy that I expend. Should be easy to assimilate -- yeah, not so much. I love pizza, pasta and bread. Those are things that I probably shouldn't eat an abundance of . . . right? I have been learning portion control. Do you realize that the average size of a pancake order at a restaurant is about 6 times the ACTUAL serving size? Yeah, I didn't either. I do now. . . . we have been eating right -- with help.
I have been exercising -- I HATE exercise. Really, I do. But I have, (honestly, I promise) learned to really like walking. I am up to five miles whenever I take a walk now. FIVE MILES. Those of you that know me, know that's a lot. . . . I will take up belly dancing again soon. After vacation . . . Uh huh -- I hear you already -- after gaining a ton of weight on vacation. NOPE -- we are eating right -- salads and lean protein. Food is a fuel, you know . . . treat it as such!!
Other changes, well, I have lost a daughter in law. That hurts. I have also lost a girlfriend in love . . . those are both painful losses. I invested time and energy into both of them. But God knows best. He knows that some need more time to discover Him, to seek Him and to find that He is the answer to all they are seeking. Heck, I need to realize that myself.
God is with us Lutherans . . . and those of you not of this particular "chosen" religion. He is with me all the time. His Angel Armies have my backside, my front side and all those in between. I don't like change . . . but it is inevitable. It is part of learning to be a Christian, a follower of Christ and generally speaking -- a human in this world. I am thankful that I have encouragers along the way -- like my husband, my mom and the tons of supporters in other areas of my life.
Change is inevitable. But with God, all things are possible. Thank God we aren't alone and left to flounder all by ourselves.
I think so. Which is why I approach change very warily. I am a Lutheran, through and through. And honestly, we don't like change. Either from within or in our circumstances. But it happens, day to day, right?
I am looking at some changes. Scary ones and those that aren't so scary. The easy ones -- change in diet and exercise, for example, those aren't so bad. We can accommodate those on a day to day basis. I have been learning to eat within the boundaries of the energy that I expend. Should be easy to assimilate -- yeah, not so much. I love pizza, pasta and bread. Those are things that I probably shouldn't eat an abundance of . . . right? I have been learning portion control. Do you realize that the average size of a pancake order at a restaurant is about 6 times the ACTUAL serving size? Yeah, I didn't either. I do now. . . . we have been eating right -- with help.
I have been exercising -- I HATE exercise. Really, I do. But I have, (honestly, I promise) learned to really like walking. I am up to five miles whenever I take a walk now. FIVE MILES. Those of you that know me, know that's a lot. . . . I will take up belly dancing again soon. After vacation . . . Uh huh -- I hear you already -- after gaining a ton of weight on vacation. NOPE -- we are eating right -- salads and lean protein. Food is a fuel, you know . . . treat it as such!!
Other changes, well, I have lost a daughter in law. That hurts. I have also lost a girlfriend in love . . . those are both painful losses. I invested time and energy into both of them. But God knows best. He knows that some need more time to discover Him, to seek Him and to find that He is the answer to all they are seeking. Heck, I need to realize that myself.
God is with us Lutherans . . . and those of you not of this particular "chosen" religion. He is with me all the time. His Angel Armies have my backside, my front side and all those in between. I don't like change . . . but it is inevitable. It is part of learning to be a Christian, a follower of Christ and generally speaking -- a human in this world. I am thankful that I have encouragers along the way -- like my husband, my mom and the tons of supporters in other areas of my life.
Change is inevitable. But with God, all things are possible. Thank God we aren't alone and left to flounder all by ourselves.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Bitterness, anger and forgiveness
That's kind of a mouthful, isn't it? And all at once, it's not very tasty until the very end. God's been busy working on me and I feel compelled to try and put my thoughts to paper (so to speak) and share with you what I've been learning. Usually, when God shows me something, it tends to involve a lot of growing pains. Not my idea of a good time, but in the end, it's going to be worth it, I'm sure. After all, He promises good things (Jeremiah 29:11) . . .
Bitterness is like a swallowing a poison and expecting someone else to suffer for it. It kind of eats at you from the inside out. Bitterness has it's roots in so many things. It could stem from hurts, of course. Resentments. Disappointments. Discontent. Anger. And it will just fester, regardless of how it started. I don't think I harbor any bitterness, but God has been gracious enough to show me that if I allow any of those other things to stay in my heart, bitterness has a chance to take root and take over. I've seen people who have let bitterness take over. I'm sure you have as well. Not very fun to be around, are they? I don't want that. I don't want someone to look at me someday, knowing that I am a follower of Christ, and have them think that they wouldn't want to be a follower of Christ if being bitter is part of it. I do harbor anger, though. And I always thought I didn't carry a grudge. It's surprising to me, though, how tightly I have held on to some hurts and resentments and disappointments. And how those things have become a ball of anger that is residing in my heart. If I am taking my heart up with anger, where does that leave any room for God? I read somewhere that we become what we choose to feed. Those of you that know me well, know me as such a girl. I get hurt and I pack it away in my heart. I take it out often, because I need to feel hurt all over again. I think that's what girls do. I'm sure guys do it differently -- I mean, they aren't girls . . .
In my journey to become closer to my husband and best friend, I've learned that he has become a mirror of sorts. But the kind of mirror that sees what I can't see in myself. He so gently pointed out to me the other day that I have a lot of anger and that he hopes and prays that I can take care of it soon. Not only does harboring anger in my heart keep me from God, it also prevents me from being open, honest and vulnerable with my husband. That, in turn, prevents us from being one flesh and being totally connected. When I deny that, I am also denying God an opportunity to work in me and in our marriage and our lives. That, in itself, has got to be an outright sin. And, it's a vicious circle. Thank you, God, for pointing out the error of my ways.
I have recently read that in the sovereignty of God, our individual crises are custom-tailored and precisely crafted by His hand to confront us with our need for change. God is working on me again to become a spiritually mature, God-loving and fearing woman. This is some hard work. It is gut-wrenching. But it is so important to my relationship with God and with my husband. The steps that I am taking to resolve this anger follows:
In keeping with the theme of forgiveness, here are the lyrics from the song Forgiveness, by Matthew West. This will be my prayer as I send up the wrongs and anger and bitterness to God and allow Him to deal with it so I don't have to anymore.
Forgiveness
It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Bitterness is like a swallowing a poison and expecting someone else to suffer for it. It kind of eats at you from the inside out. Bitterness has it's roots in so many things. It could stem from hurts, of course. Resentments. Disappointments. Discontent. Anger. And it will just fester, regardless of how it started. I don't think I harbor any bitterness, but God has been gracious enough to show me that if I allow any of those other things to stay in my heart, bitterness has a chance to take root and take over. I've seen people who have let bitterness take over. I'm sure you have as well. Not very fun to be around, are they? I don't want that. I don't want someone to look at me someday, knowing that I am a follower of Christ, and have them think that they wouldn't want to be a follower of Christ if being bitter is part of it. I do harbor anger, though. And I always thought I didn't carry a grudge. It's surprising to me, though, how tightly I have held on to some hurts and resentments and disappointments. And how those things have become a ball of anger that is residing in my heart. If I am taking my heart up with anger, where does that leave any room for God? I read somewhere that we become what we choose to feed. Those of you that know me well, know me as such a girl. I get hurt and I pack it away in my heart. I take it out often, because I need to feel hurt all over again. I think that's what girls do. I'm sure guys do it differently -- I mean, they aren't girls . . .
In my journey to become closer to my husband and best friend, I've learned that he has become a mirror of sorts. But the kind of mirror that sees what I can't see in myself. He so gently pointed out to me the other day that I have a lot of anger and that he hopes and prays that I can take care of it soon. Not only does harboring anger in my heart keep me from God, it also prevents me from being open, honest and vulnerable with my husband. That, in turn, prevents us from being one flesh and being totally connected. When I deny that, I am also denying God an opportunity to work in me and in our marriage and our lives. That, in itself, has got to be an outright sin. And, it's a vicious circle. Thank you, God, for pointing out the error of my ways.
I have recently read that in the sovereignty of God, our individual crises are custom-tailored and precisely crafted by His hand to confront us with our need for change. God is working on me again to become a spiritually mature, God-loving and fearing woman. This is some hard work. It is gut-wrenching. But it is so important to my relationship with God and with my husband. The steps that I am taking to resolve this anger follows:
- I must identify the source of my anger. I can probably fill pages in my journal of the source of this anger. Sadly. And as I keep writing, it gets longer. The source has obviously colored and altered other decisions in my life that have led to hurts and resentments. But it always comes back to the source.
- I must identify my loss, what was taken from me that resulted in this anger. Another hard step. I've pretty much covered up and buried the losses. Looking and them and identifying them is like digging through a scar to the scab and wound that never really healed -- a good thing in some respects, but hurts like heck in others.
- I must decide to cancel the debt. There are lots of ways to do this, and the way I plan to do this is to write letters. It's not the chicken way out, if that's what you are thinking. I do not believe these individuals will acknowledge, much less repent and ask for forgiveness, so this is a safe way of accomplishing what frees me . . . not them. I know there are probably rules to follow in writing these letters, but since they will never be sent or read by the individuals they will address, I am going to cut loose and get all the venom and poison out of my system as best I can in one fell swoop. Then I will have a little fire and as I burn those letters, I will send up prayers with the smoke that God helps cleanse my soul and helps me forgive. That he frees me and opens my heart again to His love and His words.
In keeping with the theme of forgiveness, here are the lyrics from the song Forgiveness, by Matthew West. This will be my prayer as I send up the wrongs and anger and bitterness to God and allow Him to deal with it so I don't have to anymore.
Forgiveness
It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
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