Bitterness, anger and forgiveness

That's kind of a mouthful, isn't it?  And all at once, it's not very tasty until the very end.  God's been busy working on me and I feel compelled to try and put my thoughts to paper (so to speak) and share with you what I've been learning.  Usually, when God shows me something, it tends to involve a lot of growing pains.  Not my idea of a good time, but in the end, it's going to be worth it, I'm sure.  After all, He promises good things (Jeremiah 29:11) . . .

Bitterness is like a swallowing a poison and expecting someone else to suffer for it.  It kind of eats at you from the inside out.  Bitterness has it's roots in so many things.  It could stem from hurts, of course.  Resentments.  Disappointments.  Discontent.  Anger.  And it will just fester, regardless of how it started.  I don't think I harbor any bitterness, but God has been gracious enough to show me that if I allow any of those other things to stay in my heart, bitterness has a chance to take root and take over.  I've seen people who have let bitterness take over.  I'm sure you have as well.  Not very fun to be around, are they?  I don't want that.  I don't want someone to look at me someday, knowing that I am a follower of Christ, and have them think that they wouldn't want to be a follower of Christ if being bitter is part of it.  I do harbor anger, though.  And I always thought I didn't carry a grudge.  It's surprising to me, though, how tightly I have held on to some hurts and resentments and disappointments.  And how those things have become a ball of anger that is residing in my heart.  If I am taking my heart up with anger, where does that leave any room for God?  I read somewhere that we become what we choose to feed.  Those of you that know me well, know me as such a girl.  I get hurt and I pack it away in my heart.  I take it out often, because I need to feel hurt all over again.  I think that's what girls do.  I'm sure guys do it differently -- I mean, they aren't girls . . .

In my journey to become closer to my husband and best friend, I've learned that he has become a mirror of sorts.  But the kind of mirror that sees what I can't see in myself.  He so gently pointed out to me the other day that I have a lot of anger and that he hopes and prays that I can take care of it soon.  Not only does harboring anger in my heart keep me from God, it also prevents me from being open, honest and vulnerable with my husband.  That, in turn, prevents us from being one flesh and being totally connected.  When I deny that, I am also denying God an opportunity to work in me and in our marriage and our lives.  That, in itself, has got to be an outright sin.  And, it's a vicious circle.  Thank you, God, for pointing out the error of my ways.

I have recently read that in the sovereignty of God, our individual crises are custom-tailored and precisely crafted by His hand to confront us with our need for change.  God is working on me again to become a spiritually mature, God-loving and fearing woman.  This is some hard work.  It is gut-wrenching.  But it is so important to my relationship with God and with my husband.  The steps that I am taking to resolve this anger follows:

1. I must identify the source of my anger.  I can probably fill pages in my journal of the source of this anger.  Sadly.  And as I keep writing, it gets longer.  The source has obviously colored and altered other decisions in my life that have led to hurts and resentments.  But it always comes back to the source.
2. I must identify my loss, what was taken from me that resulted in this anger.  Another hard step.  I've pretty much covered up and buried the losses.  Looking and them and identifying them is like digging through a scar to the scab and wound that never really healed -- a good thing in some respects, but hurts like heck in others.
3. I must decide to cancel the debt.  There are lots of ways to do this, and the way I plan to do this is to write letters.  It's not the chicken way out, if that's what you are thinking.  I do not believe these individuals will acknowledge, much less repent and ask for forgiveness, so this is a safe way of accomplishing what frees me . . . not them.  I know there are probably rules to follow in writing these letters, but since they will never be sent or read by the individuals they will address, I am going to cut loose and get all the venom and poison out of my system as best I can in one fell swoop.  Then I will have a little fire and as I burn those letters, I will send up prayers with the smoke that God helps cleanse my soul and helps me forgive.   That he frees me and opens my heart again to His love and His words.

Forgiveness may begin as an act of the will, but in order for it to endure, it must reach the heart.  Forgiveness is also a conscience effort for me on a sometimes daily basis to commit to continue that forgiveness.  To remind myself that I have forgiven and it is up to God now to remove the pain and anger from my soul and my heart.  Unresolved anger builds up and weakens me spiritually.  I cannot allow that to continue.  I need the strength of God to get through the business of life.  God has promised to set me free from bitterness and anger.  He longs to hold me in His arms and He will wipe away my tears and give me comfort.  He encourages me with His word and with the promises of a new life, a freer life where I can love, be vulnerable, open and honest with my husband and experience the intimacy and oneness that He has gifted us in our marriage.

In keeping with the theme of forgiveness, here are the lyrics from the song Forgiveness, by Matthew West.  This will be my prayer as I send up the wrongs and anger and bitterness to God and allow Him to deal with it so I don't have to anymore.

Forgiveness


It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness